After The Deluge

Last time my mom visited, she left her car and asked me to watch after it. That very same day, I parked under some power lines, and a whole army of crows took turns shitting all over the roof. She had specifically told me not to park it outside. So, when the day came for her return, I drove to one of those coin-operated pressure washers to remove the evidence.

Normally, I’d just put a dollar in the machine, and rush through everything really quickly. But this time, I loaded up plenty of quarters, and made sure her car was a sparkling gem. I’m a good son, I thought to myself.

On the way home, I stopped by Chipotle for a burrito, and that’s when I made my first mistake. I asked for extra salsa—and not the sissy mild salsa, but that devil-red, extra hot one with all the chili seeds floating around in it like burning embers.

“More, please,” I urged the burrito girl, and she obliged.

I was delighted to see a river of lava flow onto my plate. I paid, and then ate, cradling that burrito like a small child. I finished it quickly, and began the long walk back to my mom’s car.

After the first block, my stomach was already churning, and it was clear that I’d need to use a bathroom. I passed plenty of shops, restaurants, and cafes. I could have easily walked up, and asked to use any of their restrooms. But I didn’t, because I could already see how that would play out:

“I’m sorry, but the restroom is for paying customers,” someone would say, with a pained expression on their face.

“Yes, I know, but this is an emergency,” I’d retort, with an even more pained expression.

And then, understanding that I was in danger of shitting my pants, they would grant me access to the bathroom, but this coming at the cost of my dignity. I was too proud for that. I had to make it home.

So, I clinched my butt cheeks tight, and hurried towards the car. But by the time I got there, I couldn’t hold it any longer. Stricken by fear, I got inside and started to drive, anyway. I was in panic mode.

This shit was going to happen at any moment, whether or not I decided to prepare for it. I felt like a dog must, as it circles the lawn before taking a squat. I saw an open spot on the side of the road, and veered towards it.

In one swift motion, my pants were down, the door was open, and I stood squat in the middle of the street, unleashing a torrent of brown liquid.

I saw a woman nearby, smoking a cigarette on her balcony, and she saw me, too. Our eyes locked. We shared a very intimate moment. Cars were passing by and a kid on his skateboard swerved to avoid the open door and mounting puddle. I ripped my shirt off, bunched it up under my ass, jumped back into the car and sped off. The whole dump was over in seconds. And then I was gone, vanished into the night like a vision of Chaos.

On the way home, I wondered how that woman with the cigarette would use what she had seen. Would she tell her friends and family? Did she call the police? And I wondered if anyone else would pull over to park in that spot, only to step out into a puddle of human shit.

Then, I was home. My mom had already arrived and was waiting inside. My pants were still down around my ankles, and my shirt was ruined. I wiped off as best I could with the rest of that shirt, pulled my pants up, and stepped out from the driver’s seat.

That’s when I realized the full extent of what I had done.

The puddle of Chipotle mud had gotten kicked up by the tires, and was splattered all along the side of my mom’s car. It looked almost as bad as it smelled.

I went inside, slipping past her, showered, changed my clothes, and drove right back to the coin-operated car wash… Again.

I’m sure there’s a lesson I could pretend to have learned. But to be honest, this wasn’t the first time I’ve shamed myself like this, and I’m sure it won’t be the last. If I had a dollar for every story of mine that starts with Chipotle, and ends with me shitting my pants, I could definitely afford some new pants, and maybe a new shirt, too. I’d be a very rich, very humble man.

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  1. ROFL Ronnie….That’s something you can’t just make up.

  2. I’m sorry to say, this is amazingly real and a little but funny. I know, I know…. I’m sorry Ronnie! I’m glad all is well… And clean. Ahemmmmm.

  3. never a dull moment with you lol.

  4. Welcome to a day in the Life of living with Crohn’s Disease. Minus the Chipotle.

  5. I lol-ed so much! Great and funny story!

  6. welcome to the club. i just had my first colonoscopy and they give you 4 ducolax tabs to take the day before. i miscalculated the power of the LAX and needless to say had to use my rain gear as a buffer for my car seat.

    funny story. glad this kind of things happen to “young-uns” too.

  7. you are a brave man for committing this tale to pen/paper… and a very funny tale it is. perhaps there should be a genre. you might’ve started something big here. no pun intended.

  8. it was around 11:30p.m. when i read this. i laughed so hard and loudly apparently that my parents woke up and rushed to my room to see what was going on with me. the point is.. funny story!!(:

  9. what’s a burrito girl

  10. Ronnie…I am a huge fan and have attended your shows since at least 2004 I believe. I can remember blasting your “Nine Sleepless Nights” CD by ronnie day records out of my car so loud in the In-and-out parking lot at 2 am and me and my then boyfriend just dancing and singing along to your songs which I had memorized and listened to on many of my own sleepless nights. A few years later/ago while I was in college in San Diego I remember shopping at the mall with a girlfriend and hearing your song play at the store…I stood there stumped listening through the whole song trying to figure out why I knew it so well yet knew I had not heard it anytime recently…..finally I figured it out and it warmed my heart to here you! :) Your emotion and mature viewpoints were much appreciated and your music meant a lot to me. I am sure you would not remember but my highschool boyfriend and I attended your local shows many years ago and definately took the time to tell you how amazing you were post show.

    • was not finished writing but accidentally posted…i guess I can’t delete? In any case to finish off my comment I want to let you know I think your music is beautiful and helpful and means a lot to me! If I could say one thing besides the fact that I wish your 2005 version of nine sleepless nights was more accessible to the public (I own “Ronnie day – the album” but just love your uncut stuff–reminds me of hearing you live :)) I would say that I wish your first page of your webpage included your music videos of your new songs…better days, suddenly clear, birds in a storm etc. because those are beautiful songs and people should hear them and think of you….not this particular post which is the first thing on your homepage :) You have an amazing talent for songwriting/singing/music and your heart and passion are insane..I really hope you make it because I am a huge fan and have been for quite a while and believe a lot of people can relate and really benefit from your talent.

  11. you should have shit on the hood of the car like all other God’s creatures …. happy birthday

  12. real nice story. so funny

  13. damn, i can’t believe u posted this. it’s so hilarious.. u should be a stand up comic or something

  14. me gusta mucho. *kisses*

  15. i love it. i hate chipotle tho

  16. now im hungry for a burrito. lol

  17. u got the shits man? call me and i’ll tell u a similar story haha

  18. ur still hot lol call me

  19. why’d u post this

  20. i’d kill myself if this happened to me

  21. YES! WAY TO GO BABY! …I remember when you told me that one. I was nearly peeing my pants. It was that funny. Note that I said NEARLY peeing my pants lol

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